foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
oh god was she eating orange peels again
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
