News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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