I love black thongs
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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