I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
