Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
