I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
