The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
