i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
