i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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