I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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