Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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