Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
