The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
