no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
