i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
