sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
