I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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