Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
