Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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