her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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