A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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