you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
