in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
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