you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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