I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
