i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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