I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
