I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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