i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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