I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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