i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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