Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
