i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
