I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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