and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
