Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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