Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
