I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I would ride that face into the sunset
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
