i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
