Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
