i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
