Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
