Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
