Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Randomize
