Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
