Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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