I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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