i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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