Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
