First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
