He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
